Why I'm Single

One of my least favorite questions is "Why are you still single?"

I feel the need to answer it with this modesty of "Ummmm, I don't know" - twirl my hair, look completely stumped, and stare off thoughtfully into the distance. Or perhaps say completely cliche things like "I've been so busy" or "I haven't met anyone really great yet," etc.

But now I know. I know exactly why I am single and I fully intend to boldly say this next time someone asks me.

It's because men are ridiculous. It's not me, it's them. All of them. Even the good/nice/kind/Christian/smart/rich ones. They're all ridiculous.

I had a second date last night with J the tall guy. Super nice guy who loves Jesus and is an excellent conversationalist. And he's very verbal and on both dates told me multiple things he liked about me, but in this really kind and cool sort of way that was genuine and open.

Last night went well...good date, nice guy, opened car doors, paid for dinner, we laughed a lot, prayed before dinner, talked openly about life, etc. And I left thinking it went well, the verdict is still out on some things (just not 100% about romantic chemistry or life-style) but so up for another date to learn more about him. There's good stuff there.

Then he called me 5 minutes after we parted ways and wanted a chance to communicate something on his mind.

Oh great, here we go...

He essentially was trying to do the right thing and said that he thought I was awesome and loved my company and wouldn't change a thing about me or the night. BUT...he's not at a point where he feels like he can be all in and not date anyone else.

[in my head] yes, that makes sense...we've had two short, casual dates...

And I listened for a long time to hear him out. And I was on the same page with him in every way. And I told him that I completely agreed and was dating other people. I reminded him that it takes a long to get to know another "stranger" and we've probably only spent 5 hours together, so there's clearly a lot to learn.

As the conversation went on, I started to actually feel a tad yucky about it. And I think he sensed it and sort of apologized if it made me feel shi&*y. I don't know how to explain it and it wasn't that I felt rejected or dismissed, but his open approach to "I still want to see what is out there" made me a feel a little undervalued and it took away what we had on our date and made it feel like a comparison of sorts. And I'm not judging his desire to date around, because quite frankly, I'm dating others and not convinced of anyone right now. But somehow hearing his thought-process wasn't quite right. I think he needed to have that conversation with a friend and just process how he was feeling/thinking. He simply could have asked me out again for another date in a week or so and we could have planned something easy and that would have insinuated a casual, but intentional, approach to dating and learning about each other.

I told him that I wasn't feeling as good about the conversation as it continued and was on the verge of saying, "It was so great meeting you, but let's not date." My interest dwindled quickly. And not just because he wanted to date others but because I got an insight to how he processes and thinks and I don't know if I loooooved it. I'm not up for that kind of energy 5 hours into knowing someone. So he said we should end the conversation and he'll call me in the next day or two and we can finish talking. Sigh. Fine. And then we hung up after some pleasantries of appreciate our evening together, etc.

See, I told you I was single because men are ridiculous.

Dating with grace and getting in the last word

It is hard to date with grace at times. Well, often times, especially when things don't always go well. Pride and self-preservation kick in extremely quickly at any sign of disappointment, rejection, or grayness. Last night's text conversation proved that. It was hard to be gracious when I really wanted to "stick it to him" and let him know that I am dating other people and he reminded me of my ex and for all the less than flattering reasons. I withheld that, but I could tell he was also struggling with trying to be gracious and yet somehow managed to deliver grace in a condescending way, which wasn't that graceful. It was disappointing to say the least and it would have been best to have never heard from him at all. 

The background story is that we had a second date last Monday, text a little on Tuesday and then nothing for a week...

He's nice and loves Jesus, but I could tell he wasn't a good conversationalist and not a good communicator and I was already at peace with not having a third date because I could tell critical things were missing. The below text convo clearly demonstrates his communicator style. ;-)

Mike: Hi Kari

4 hours later I replied since I was at a friend's house 

Kari: Hi Mike

pause, pause....

Mike: Hello there!

Mike: I just wanted to apologize

Mike: I've been searching my heart this past week

pause....13 minutes goes by [sheesh, dude, just say it....]

Kari: I feel like you are trying to say something...

Mike: I just want to be honest with you

Mike: I don't know if I am a good match for you

Kari: I feel the same way. I'm looking for solid communication and the fact that I had to bait this conversation is disappointing. But I think you're a good guy and hope you find a good fit.

Mike: I really am sorry Kari

Mike: You are truly an Amazing Woman

Mike: God has someone very special in mind for you! Its just not me.

Kari: I really feel the same way and we aren't a match, so there's nothing to be sorry about. I'm not upset. I had fun and it was nice to meet you. Good luck with your search.

Mike: Thanks Kari. I wish you all the best.

Ugh. Gag. Clearly he didn't know how to just say what he thought or felt. I dislike those responses from men...they try to be all godly, but really they're hiding behind their faith and using it as an excuse. I didn't have the heart to tell him I was on date #2 and #3 with two other men (hence my grace and getting in the last word...). I'm fine buddy, I'm fine. 

What did I learn? Always trust those gut reactions in the very beginning (his first email to me revealed similar things that I saw in the text above)...it doesn't mean they're always right, but they are very insightful and worth noting. 

Match.com...round number__?__whatever. I'm online dating again.

I'm sitting here with a smirk on my face as I start this new post.

Mostly from re-reading blog posts from 4 years ago and yet they all could have happened yesterday. I'm still on the dating circuit. Though this time I would say "it's the best experience yet".

Clearly it's because I'm older and wiser and men have more money for nice dates. That last part was a true, but funny joke. No really, they're further in their careers.

It might also be because I'm striving to find new ways to date in a way that pleases me. And I say pleases me because it's easy to date to please the guy or others. I'm asking less advice, acting with more discernment, and praying more regularly. And that feels damn good.

Earlier this summer I sort of got swept off my feet a tad. Maybe one toe was still grazing the floor, but I had a deep rush of emotions for this guy in a short period of time. Though it was sad when it ended abruptly (though, don't worry folks, we work together so I get the pleasure of seeing him most days. Outstanding.) I got to feel a huge array of emotions I've waited to feel. I got to date someone I was friends with first and I loved that. I knew lunches over the work hour were fun because we had so much to talk about, and the fact we were dating just meant we got to make out in the car before coming back to work. That part was actually super fun and that is the only time dating a coworker is a good idea. In fact it's good to date a coworker. It's just not fun to stop dating a coworker. I also dated someone who knew exactly why he wanted to date me and could communicate that. Hallelujah! There is something so lovely about a man who can say the best things in the best way and mean them from the bottom of his heart. I liked that. Sign me up again!

So I'm a month out from ending our brief romance and I'm ok. The tears and hurt are gone. I'm thankful I didn't stay in it longer because our deal breakers were adding up and hashing them out would have caused even more pain. But I'm thankful for the time I got to "date well" and I can't wait to meet that next man who impresses me with the right things.

Match.com here we go...

4 bachelors to date....3 with 2 dates...2 fireman...1 doctor...and a third date on the horizon.

H.O.P.E.

I cannot begin to understand the pain of divorce. To pledge your undying love and commitment to someone and a few years later not be able to stand the sight of them.

I had that thought yesterday as I mourned the loss of my recent romantic relationship to a man I spent 9 months with. How did we go from spending 9 months bringing happiness to each other and now we bring hurt to each other. It's a horribly sick feeling. Not because anyone did anything wrong, but simply because the relationship wasn't meant to be. 

This all happened in a short 10 days. From revelation to realization to attempted reconciliation to recoiling...life has felt very tumultuous. I'm grieving the loss of this relationship and the hope I had it. The romantic hope, the future hope, the dream of hope. And now I just hope to move on quickly, mend my heart, and prepare myself for what God has next.

And I don't want to go back to the single scene. I happily left it in February and had no intentions of returning. But I hope when I leave it again I will do so with a partner who is equally as excited to "do life" with me and leave that single scene.

Sigh.

Here we go again.

The Dirt

I feel like I've been holding out. In fact I have been holding out. Big time. But who knew I would still be dating the same person three wonderful months later? 

I've been apprehensive to put things down in writing. I haven't journaled much and my blog is bare. I guess I didn't want to go through the "un-doing" ceremony should things not work out.  Even my friends are calling me out for being subtle with the details.

Each week I spend with Mark feels like this wonderful visit to Couplesville and I don't want to leave. He travels a lot, so when he's gone I am back to Singlesvilles. I still see my friends, plan events, go to parties, and do all this alone. Not much has changed from my "other life". But I know that I get to see Mark again and I cherish that time together so much.

Last weekend was great as we spent time at his cabin down south. This is his pride and joy, and he couldn't have been more thrilled to share the experience with me. We hiked the property, made dinner for his birthday, talked, laughed, shot guns, and dare I say, had some romance. It was awesome!

This weekend will be really exciting for us. He is helping me volunteer for the MS Walk as we head to City Park together on Friday to set up, and then he'll be at the Walk on Saturday and meet my friends and family for the first time. I'm so excited. The one downside is that I'll be busy with my volunteer duties and unable to mediate the conversation or even witness all the interactions. :-(  But I trust my loved ones to embrace him and I know Mark will do his best to remember names.

Things are good. They're better than good. They're surprisingly great!

Wordless Wednesday

A good Monday

Me and Mark